At the beginning of each new year, I intentionally set aside a time of solitude with God for reflection, prayer, and silence. This is something I have done for almost 10 years now, and in these moments, I’m left with a word or a verse from God to carry into the year with me. Needless to say, each year, I have been surprised as to the meaning of those intentional moments and how they unfold in God’s plan for the year.
This year was no different. God gave me the reminder of ‘surrendering’ or returning to him. This didn’t have a strong connection with me at the time, but it became all too clear a few months on. Looking back over my journal for this year, I have read and seen this common theme… saying goodbye, grieving, and surrendering to the grace that leads me on to what’s next. I’m sure this resonates with all too many, coming off the back of the last couple of years. My hope is that you might be encouraged in whatever you might be experiencing.
Those who may know part of my life testimony will know I am no stranger to trials and challenges, and because of this, I know one does not grow numb to them. The period leading up to lockdown I found myself overwhelmed, exhausted, and running on empty, not just physically and mentally, but spiritually as well. Just two weeks into lockdown, I had recovered from my third bout of bronchitis, started what I’d learn to be a term of teaching from home, had just fractured my right foot, and had started my own version of solitary confinement.
To begin with, I was able to cling to my temporary positive outlook, but soon found this wore away and I was left feeling utter despair. I found it challenging to reach out for help, not wanting to burden others whom I knew were also finding this time so difficult or not knowing where I stood amongst restrictions/exemptions. Each day I would pour out my empty glass to my students and go to sleep once work was done in the evening. My family, close friends, and Gospel Community were good to reach out with encouragement, would pray over me, and I knew many others were praying as well. Those close to me were accepting that my usual sunny disposition was no longer a part of our Zoom calls, or rather faced with silence on my end. I felt a wall in front of me. I was stuck and had no words to express to God how I felt or what I needed.
In these hardest months I also found it challenging to read God’s word, so instead I would wake and go to sleep listening to Christian meditations on the app ‘Abide’, allowing God’s word to soak in. This helped me more than I knew at the time along with prayers from many.
When I felt like I had no words to express to God, the Spirit himself interceded for me, and the fog of despair began to lift. I can’t necessarily put a finger on when I began to see through the fog again, but sitting here closer to the other side of the valley, I know it is only through the strength, the peace, and the love of Christ that I am where I am, and will continue to hold fast through the trials that remain and those to come.
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:26-28